Nature’s Candy

Sorry folks, didn’t realize I never posted this one here. This is an early one of mine that I reworked for a stand up routine for someone else. It’s definitely me, all me, and pretty much how I would do stand up if I didn’t puke or pass out at the thought of getting up in front of everyone.

I am a junk food junkie. I like food that's not good for youI don’t eat right. I wanted to say that off the bat. It’s part of a 12 step program; I have to identify myself as a registered bad eater wherever I go. I eat crap.I don’t do the grocery shopping in my family because if I did I would only bring home Twinkies and Cheetos. The combination is perfect for the various mood swings and cravings.

I don’t buy chocolate on grocery shopping days. Nooooo, can’t do that. Chocolate is an experience and must be given the due respect it deserves — a midnight run to an all night store when the need hits. Well, be sure, the need doesn’t hit then, that’s just when we decide we’re willing to give in to the weakness … and the rest of the house is asleep so they won’t know you’re going out to fulfill the secret need.

But over the years I’ve tried to discern why I eat like crap. Mostly it’s taste; good food doesn’t taste good. Oh, wait, I know you are all whining now, but if you’re honest you’ll know what I mean. Seriously, don’t you just want to smack those people who go on about how gooooooood their salad was? You know they mean it tasted great after their 3 martinis.

Salad doesn’t taste good, that’s why you have to put stuff on it. Meat just plain tastes good. Lettuce does not.

expensive food you have to learn to likeOh, wait, I know, it’s an ACQUIRED taste, like Shitake mushrooms. Yeah? Really? Why on earth would I want to acquire a taste for something that costs like $40 a pound? That’s just wrong, and bad economics. And besides, in case you were asleep in science class, there are fields of medicine dedicated to eliminating fungus from the body, so where is the logic in sending me out of my way to find that perfect little esoteric store, 50 miles away, that sells the perfect fresh $40 a pound food that I had to make the time, effort and financial investment in learning to like? That’s just stupid.

Un……..less ……. it’s the ones that will make it worth my while. Nahhhh, just kidding, I really do eat crap and I stand by it. I stand by it so strongly that I didn’t even do mushrooms!! Came close a couple times, but damn, I just could not do it. Probably would have been better for me if I did. I would probably be able to understand things a lot better, especially politics. It’s true what they say, takes one to know one. And go figure, my “public” excuse for peer pressure and mushrooms at the time was … ahhh, dudes, no way, I’m too paranoid as it is. …. Yeah, that came back and bit me in the ass, didn’t it.

But I’m a dog lover, so it finally dawned on me, I eat food that dogs would eat … that’s how I judge if it’s worth doing … would the dog go to the effort to steal if off the counter?

Steaks, gone in a blink of an eye, asparagus? it’ll be there next month.

Seriously, dogs like milk, ice cream, beer, meat, even corn, …. pretty much what I like to eat. And pizza. But not asparagus or cauliflower … ever seen a dog pine for a salad? Now, granted, this whole bit works fine if you never acknowledge the tiny little fact that dogs also eat dirt and poop. But we’ll just ignore that fact. {And if you can ignore that you then know what it feels like for those Celebrex scientists.}

I worked in client services for almost 20 year, which was only possible because of my sense of humor because for the most part, if I couldn’t laugh at them at the end of the day, I would likely go on a road rage massacre on the way home from work due to their endless ignorance, arrogance and just plain piss-ant needs, of the clients, too!

I was always much more suited to marketing or advertising, but my issues run deep, and since I tend to hold grudges, they run old, too. And my grudge against the marketing industry stems all the way back to when I was little. When I was 6, to be exact.

….. (yes, this is where the story start, the rest was just the lead in. Pay attention now)

A nice summer day at the town pool with family when it all crashed for meIt was a lovely summer day and I was at the town pool with my mom, brother, aunt and cousins. It was hot, we were there all day having a fun time. Then the ice cream truck drove up playing it’s happy song that makes the world right. With all the glee and innocence of a 6 year old I run to my mommy and ask if we can get an ice cream, hopping up and down that in a six year old means either I want something really really bad, or I have to go potty. In this case it may have been both, but I really wanted the ice cream. My world was crushed, my mom said no.

I wanted ice cream - ice cream and summer go togetherAnd then it happened, my world, my future, my dreams that I didn’t even yet know I had, were to be crushed for what would turn out to be about 25 years from that day. My aunt, the one who had the perfect kids, the right car, the bitchy attitude (even at 6 you could tell), says oh, have some raisins.

Raisins? Why the hell would I want raisins? I want ice cream. What world does she live in that thinks that ice cream and raisins can even be allowed to be mentioned in the same sentence, let alone be offered as a substitute for ice cream. That woman’s just not right.

Raisins instead of ice cream? No wayAnd then she said it. You know, you know what she said, yep …

“have a raisin, they’re nature’s candy.”

Are you kidding me? Nature’s Candy? What they are are dead, old, wrinkled, dried up has been grapes. They’re what grapes come out like in poop. That’s not candy. Who are you trying to fool. Candy is sweet, chewy, gooey … but in a good way, not in a shriveled up old washed out former fruit way.

Who came up with that campaign? I want to meet that person, because ya know what, if it hadn’t been for that, I could have had respect for the marketing industry and joined my tribe sooner. But instead, nooooo, I held a grudge for a looooong time, forsaking my talents, my insights, my abilities all because of that horrendous “nature’s candy” crap.

Think about it. Nature’s Candy.

Don’t get me wrong, nature’s pretty cool. But nature gives us things like cocoa, sugar, hops, coca, as in cocaine, marijuana, and poppies .. and by poppies I don’t mean those cute red flowers that Canadians wear on their lapels for what they refer to as Remembrance Day, I mean that big mutha of a plant that is funding both sides of the Afghanistan portion of the Terror War.

And then, to make things worse, people try to convince us that raisins are really candy, by covering them in chocolate.

not nature's best gift!No, I don’t want a Goober. But hey, that is a MUCH better name for it, too, because a Goober is really just like a chocolate covered booger, except that I’ll suck the chocolate off the goober and spit the raisin out, which I wouldn’t do with a booger, unless of course I had already drank, eaten, smoked or snorted a bunch of nature’s other candies.

And there are sweeter fruits, such as apples, oranges, plums, or even grapes that could possibly be better deserving of the title, but no, Raisins. Raisins get the label of Nature’s Candy.

It’s also rather insulting to the general population. Assuming we’re not all up on the Langston Hughes poem which references raisins as a symbol of lost dreams

“What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up

like a raisin in the sun?

Nope, they go on to be Nature’s Candy. And so went my life, my deferred dream went the way of the Raisin.

And dog’s don’t eat raisins. They can’t, they’re toxic to dogs. (As are grapes, by the way, this is a full service skit, so you can go home drunk, smelling like smoke and happy, and still say you learned something valuable for your cover charge — grapes and raisins can kill dogs, and it doesn’t take much.)

So there you have it, if dog’s won’t eat it, neither will I.

[written by Laurissa Doonan over the ocurse of a lifetime, but first officially put down on paper in June for use in a stand up skit in June 2008]

About Laurissa Doonan

I'm a marketer. I've been a professional marketer for over 25 years, but in reality, I have always been one. Marketing to me is about communicating effectively, regardless of platform, regardless of channel. Marketing is understanding both your objectives and your audience, and finding the right method and message for your customers to reach them where they are. Now I dedicate my efforts to helping very small and small companies pursue their passions and grow their businesses through marketing; providing agency trained expertise without the overhead.
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One Response to Nature’s Candy

  1. Raisins make the whole world want to die.

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