decafSome folks think I’m Over-caffeinated.

I’m not. Trust me.

I would like to say that I appreciate the concern, the questions that flow so easily and readily from folks asked with concerned voices “How many of those do you drink a day?”, asking about the never ending supply of Diet Cokes that are ever-present in my world.

They’re like people going up to a pregnant woman asking if she’s going to breast feed. What on earth makes you think that’s any of your business? It would be as if I were to ask you how many times you take a crap during the day. I don’t ask you that, mainly because it’s rude and none of my business, but also because there’s a lingering fear you might answer .

Soda’s Bad For You

No shit, sherlock.
But then, talking to me before I’ve had my quota is bad for you

I don’t want to hear your bullshit about aspartame poisoning and how I’m going to die, and how any cough, sneeze, or forgotten conversation is a clear result of my own bad habits. Your constant forgetting, inability to form coherent thoughts, or process any information that goes beyond the obvious in your orange-sky world of delusion is merely me trying to make you look stupid.

But you get more jacked up the more you drink soda

No. I don’t get “jacked up”, ever. 

You mean well, you think you’re making a point and being caring by pointing out how I seem to get more animated the more I consume, well, let me explain something very quickly to you.

First, it’s clear, you haven’t the first idea how much caffeine I consume. You have no idea if I am having a burst of it or if I am on a strictly maintenance plan. You are not a doctor (and no, I don’t want ot hear from doctors, either. Your brand of self-serving, non-listening advice from a check list doesn’t hold water, either, since despite your claims I am standing in front of you with nearly perfect test results, so your seething needs to be done in private to maintain your ever-necessary sense of superiority and professionalism.)

I don’t comment on your spinach and kale smoothie, which by the way is now not considered a healthy choice, and how your near constant trips to the bathroom are distracting and become longer visits as the day goes on, because it would be inappropriate, and that is something between you and your colon.

Mainly, let me explain my increase in animation. I am passionate about what I do. Not emotional, passionate. Dedicated. I take pride and thought in doing it, and work diligently to perform it positively. I also work hard at keeping my passion in check, because your simple minded upbringing and limited exposure or awareness of personalities outside your little stereotypes does not accept outsiders. So I work very very hard and expend extraordinary energy on keeping my filters in tact. When you say something particularly stupid or come at me with something so blatantly false or accusatory, my focus is removed from the placement of my filter.

alien6It’s Not the Caffeine

It’s Me. But it’s more You.

It’s not caffeine related. I’m just not from here originally.  I’m from a place where the homeostatic energy level is significantly higher than here, so the effort to remain closer to the realm of normalcy in a different environment is draining. So very very draining. I’m not an alien, I’m just from a much faster paced natural environment. Not better, not worse. Just faster and more accountable.

To explain it a different way, it’s juggling. There are only so many of your misplaced stereotypes I can balance in any given moment. I’m not perfect. I don’t ever want to be your version of perfect, but I do my best to keep my filter tight. Stop knocking it loose.

Blaming caffeine must be easier for you, because you can blame it on a chemical, and my own reckless behavior. Not on your assinine input. That would mean that you would have to realize and accept that there are people different than you and your worldview, which you have demonstrated repeatedly you cannot even begin to fathom. (That, by the way, is what bigotry stems from.)

Just sayin’

Now, please pass me a cold one.

you can read more about my home planet here, to educate yourself and become more open-minded and understanding: 19 Signs Your a Superior Asshole from the Northeast



About Laurissa Doonan

I'm a marketer. I've been a professional marketer for over 25 years, but in reality, I have always been one. Marketing to me is about communicating effectively, regardless of platform, regardless of channel. Marketing is understanding both your objectives and your audience, and finding the right method and message for your customers to reach them where they are. Now I dedicate my efforts to helping very small and small companies pursue their passions and grow their businesses through marketing; providing agency trained expertise without the overhead. www.Charter-Marketing.com www.CharterMarketing.wordpress.com
This entry was posted in Humor and Comedy, Oddities, Reactions (Stories) and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s