Flying Monkey Fever
Sorry, I’m feeling under the weather, I’m currently suffering from a bout of Flying Monkey Fever. It was a severe case and while I’m mostly over it, there are still flare ups now and again. It usually starts with a comment or a look from someone that says
- Let it Go.
- Get Over It.
- It doesn’t matter.
- They don’t matter.
- They are just jealous.
- You’re just rehashing it.
All these phrases are well meaning, but they come from people who are unwilling to help, unwilling to listen.
For so long I was subjected to the abuse, and still gave everything. I watched the lies and the smears, and still didn’t divulge the secrets they shared with me. Even with every cut, every slice they made to my character, every rock they threw at my integrity, while I bled and cried, I got sick, I still honored my word, and who I was. I would never agree for the sake of agreeing, to make it stop. I stood up for what I believed in. I delivered what I promised. I did not reveal the sabotage. I was labeled a failure, a cancer, an incompetent. I was lied about and held accountable for their errors.
Being good disturbed their delicate balance of ego and greed. Being the smart one. Being the funny one. Being the successful one. It left them without labels for themselves. So they had to pretend I stole them. Bullies are like that.
I was told to ignore them and hold my head up high. I did that, and I still hurt. The tormenting, teasing, berating. I worked harder to work around the broken pieces that they put in my way, and still I was successful. I followed your suggestions, I remained quiet, and still it happened. It wasn’t my perception, it was real. It wasn’t my attitude, it was real. I allowed it because you told me to.
When I left… when I left, you wondered why it’s not better, why it’s not over.
I still don’t understand it all. And it didn’t stop.
They are still doing it. I still feel it. I still hear it. I still know it. Just as I was told to handle it myself, I was told to heal myself. It takes longer without help. I don’t know how to process it. It’s not fair. It never was. That’s what hurts.
There is no satisfaction in their failure. It is so unnecessary. But their egos still prevail. They can’t help themselves.
And I can’t help but try to understand.
No, it’s not my problem, but their energy still reaches me, that anger, jealousy, and rage of insecurity that they emit is felt. Still it is about them, and never about me. No one will allow it to be about me. Now one will admit they don’t understand. No one will listen or hear.
Just get over it, ignore it.
It didn’t work then. It’s not resolved. I cannot resolve it, and no one will help. Why is unfairness ok? They are getting what they deserve, I know that. I am not a saint, I have no problems with hoping their souls are pained. They don’t get to play the victim after having hurt me the way they did. They don’t get to be mad that I wouldn’t absolve them of their behavior. They don’t get to pretend they didn’t know what they were doing.
They are left with their egos, insecurities, and failures. I have left them alone. I walked away from what I was passionate and proud of. I went quietly. I didn’t make a scene. I haven’t made a scene. Why do they still continue?
Their deflections need to turn back on them. Why can’t you just be happy I’m gone?
Leave me alone.
You got what you wanted.
I am not an excuse for your failure. I wasn’t the reason then, and I’m not now. I cannot feed your vampire thirst anymore. Move on to your next victim.
Fly away monkeys, fly away. There is no wizard to help me, so I have to dig within me, one again, to get home.